Kays Translations

Chapter 99: Project: Date

I ordered a massage manual, studied it diligently, and even tested pressure points on my own body. Then, fully prepared, I gave Hiyori a relaxation massage.

…But unfortunately, it wasn’t well received.

Hiyori might look human on the outside, but inside, she isn’t.

When I pressed pressure points to improve circulation, she didn’t feel anything. When I pressed points that were supposed to feel good, she said they hurt.

The muscle kneading seemed to work similarly to a human’s body, so at first, I focused on that. But partway through, curiosity got the better of me—and that was the problem.

I brought out a stethoscope to investigate how to optimize massage techniques for Hiyori’s unique internal structure. She silently let me do that. But when I tried using acupuncture needles to examine how her reactions differed from a human’s, she got angry and made me stop.

She said, “It feels like I’m just a test subject. It’s unpleasant.”

I tried to argue back, but she followed up with, “You’ve been influenced by Iruma, haven’t you?” and that completely shut me down.

Super shock!

I collapsed to my knees, staring at my trembling hands.

Maybe she was right.

Was I really just trying to satisfy my own curiosity under the guise of giving her a relaxing massage?

What kind of person stabs needles into their girlfriend’s soft skin without hesitation? Was I out of my mind?

Had my ethics been warped after that one night of research with the morally bankrupt Iruma?

Hiyori is my girlfriend, and yet I unconsciously saw her as a research subject.

I acted inconsiderately, without restraint.

Just like Iruma would.

“I’m sorry…”

Even I was surprised by how small and weak my voice was.

For Hiyori to go as far as to compare me to Iruma—whatever I did must have been pretty awful. Looking back, I can see how careless I was.

It must’ve felt like when you’re watching a new anime you’re excited about, and just when it’s getting good, a long, unexpected viewer survey pops up.

Of course you’d be like, “What the hell?”

It kills the mood and leaves you disappointed.

I should’ve just finished the massage properly—for Hiyori’s sake.

And yet, look at me.

I got influenced by Iruma.

I’m like Iruma.

I’m Iruma-tier.

Uwaaaaaah!!

NyaaAAaaaAAaaaAaaa!!

I can’t handle this!!

“I’m sorry, Hiyori. I’ll just move under the eaves and live the rest of my life with pill bugs. That’s what I deserve.”

“!? N-No—I went too far. I’m sorry, too.”

Even though I should be the one apologizing, she apologized, and it just made me feel even more pathetic.

It reminded me of my university days, before I moved to Okutama. The professor in my research lab was a good person. When I apologized, he’d say, “I should’ve been more considerate of you,” and apologize in return. I felt so guilty I started avoiding the lab altogether.

People… are hard to deal with.

But I don’t want to feel that way about Hiyori.

“Hiyori, I’m sorry. Even if I suck at dealing with people, I at least want to treat you well. But… I really don’t know how.”

“It’s okay. I know that’s just how you are. And even knowing all that, I still love you.”

Hiyori sat beside me as I hung my head, gently rubbing my back to comfort me.

Ugh, how pathetic.

A normal boyfriend would be way more dependable, right?

Like, “You’re my girl. I’d never make you cry,” with a cool look.

But this is the opposite. I screwed up, and now I’m the one being comforted.

As I sulked, Hiyori sat close and, after thinking for a bit, spoke up.

“Dairi.”

“…Yeah?”

“Why don’t we go on a date sometime?”

“…Huh? Uh, yeah. Sure.”

I let out a weird sound, surprised by what felt like a sneak attack—but of course, it wasn’t anything like that.

Yeah… we’re dating, aren’t we?

If anything, it’s weird that we’ve been going out for almost two months and still haven’t been on a single date.

At least, I think it is. Probably. We seem to be a pretty slow-paced couple.

I do know what a “date” is.

I’m happy she asked.

But since I didn’t really understand the specifics, I made sure to ask carefully this time, trying not to say anything dumb.

“Right after we started dating, I looked into relationships. I even looked up what a date is in the dictionary.”

“Ah, yeah? You’re so serious.”

“The definition was: ‘An appointment between a man and a woman to meet at a set time and place.’ What does that even mean?”

“What do you mean by that?”

Hiyori didn’t seem to get what I was asking, so I slowly tried to put my vague question into words.

“So like… what’s the difference between hanging out with a friend and a date? If I go to an amusement park with you, that’s a date. But if I go with the Spider Witch, it’s just hanging out with a friend, right? Even though both are just ‘a man and a woman meeting at a set time and place.’ What makes it a date?”

“Ah, I see what you’re getting at… let’s see.”

Hiyori folded her arms and started thinking seriously. I was relieved she didn’t look exasperated or say “You don’t even know that?” That alone made me glad she was my girlfriend—she actually took my dumb questions seriously.

Sorry for being a relationship charity case. The only thing I’m good at is being dexterous.

Eventually, she seemed to come up with a way to explain it in a way even romance-challenged Dairi could understand. She nodded and said:

“When you hang out with a friend, you spend time together and then part ways with a ‘That was fun.’ Right?”

“Yeah.”

“On a date, after you spend time together… you kiss.”

“!?”

“Not on the cheek or forehead. A kiss on the lips.”

“!?!”

“With tongue, too.”

“!?!??!?!?!?!”

My brain rattled from the sheer shock.

W-Wha—Wawawawa…!?

You KISS!?!
And with—w-w-with tongue!?

That’s… indecent! That’s so indecent!!

Dating is insane!!

In my head, “hanging out with friends” was instantly downgraded to child’s play. No wonder it’s on a whole different level from dating.

“W-W-Why do people kiss? On the lips… with tongue, even!? Why do such a thing!?”

“Just seeing you turn red and get all flustered like this makes the kiss worth it.”

Hiyori replied with a big, smug grin.

What are you grinning about, looking all smug!? This is serious!!

I messed up the massage and got depressed, and then suddenly I get asked out on a date.

I got emotionally dragged all the way down and then yanked way back up—my feelings are a complete mess right now.

“Ah, I feel like I’m going crazy. I don’t understand dating anymore…!”

“Don’t overthink it. Just imagine it—spending the day together, knowing there’s a kiss waiting at the end.”

“!!! Dating is amazing…!”

Even the socially inept me, Dairi, had to bow to Hiyori’s easy-to-understand summary.

The date hadn’t even started yet, and my heart was already pounding.

To be made this nervous just from words alone… Aoyama Hiyori, you dangerous woman!

Hiyori set the date for one week later (rain or shine, postponed for earthquakes), left the planning to me, and walked off with a light, almost dancing step.

I said she should take charge because there’s no way I could plan a date, but she insisted she wanted me to think it through. When she even said, “It’s fine if you mess it up, I just want you to take the lead,” I couldn’t say no. Though when I asked her to define what “taking the lead” meant, she almost gave up.

Faced with a problem more difficult than manufacturing a dodecahedral fractal, I quickly abandoned the idea of solving it alone.

I visited an old temple and explained the situation to the Spider Witch, who was busy kneading some kind of raw meat into dumplings. After a long silence, she started by praising me.

“Thank you for coming to me. I’m glad you didn’t go to Professor Ohnomichi… I’m still the better choice…”

“You’re the one who stopped me when I tried to go to her for love advice before.”

Because of that, I still barely understand what “a lover” even is. But according to the Spider Witch’s vague explanation, it’s best to avoid any love-related topics with that stoat, so I obediently complied.

If someone as capable as the Spider Witch says so, I believe it. Maybe once my romance skill level increases, I’ll understand why.

“Yeah. I think I’m the best option for this. But ideally, I think you should come up with the date plan yourself, Dairi.”

“I told you, I don’t get it!”

“Didn’t the Blue Witch say she wanted you to take the lead, even if it’s a failure? It’s okay not to understand… You have to think about it yourself. If I decide everything, it won’t be your plan—it’ll be mine.”

“But if I do it alone, it’ll probably turn out terribly.”

“Really? Then let me hear your idea for now. What kind of date plan do you think would be good…?”

Asked so gently, I paused to think.

I had assumed from the start that it was too much for me to handle and hadn’t even come up with a rough draft.

That’s… not great, is it?

Hmm, let’s see…

“Well, first of all, since we’re going out together, it needs to be fun for both of us. It’s not good if only one person is having fun.”

“Yeah…”

“I like making magic wands, but Hiyori probably wouldn’t enjoy just watching that. The best would be something that’s only fun because it’s the two of us doing it.”

“Yeah, yeah. That sounds nice…”

“So I thought maybe I could go along with Hiyori on one of her Type 2 monster exterminations. Doesn’t defeating a strong monster together in co-op sound exciting?”

“I see. Okay, I’ll help you rework that plan…”

As expected, there was some fatal flaw in my ultimate date plan, painstakingly crafted with all my brainpower. The Spider Witch graciously agreed to guide me.

That said, it’s still something I should be coming up with myself. So we decided that she would suggest ideas, and I would choose which ones to use. That way, it’s still my plan, and hopefully, not a complete disaster. A good compromise.

According to her, while there are many types of dates, it’s safer to include a bit of a “non-daily” feel. A “stay-at-home date” where we relax at home is one option, but we ruled it out since it’s no different from usual. Even if Hiyori enjoys it, I’d be bored.

That means we need to go somewhere.

To scout out potential date spots, I rode on the Spider Witch’s back and we set off.

Immediately, we ruled out areas near my house. Having Fuyou or Mokutan watching isn’t ideal, and it feels too much like a home date.

The idea of a hot spring date at a crumbling old inn was met with a frown. If we’re ending the date with a kiss, going to a hot spring is way too soon. Agreed.

As we walked through Okutama, with me riding on her back, the Spider Witch spoke thoughtfully.

“For a first date, something like going out in the morning, having lunch, stopping by somewhere in the afternoon, then parting ways around evening is pretty standard. But the plan is just a guideline. If there’s something you want to do, you can always change it…”

“Hmm. What’s an example of ‘stopping by somewhere’? A movie theater… wait, those don’t exist, do they?”

“They do…”

“They do!? Even without electricity!?”

Shocked, I double-checked, and the Spider Witch nodded.

Apparently, there’s a theater in Tokyo that uses a “magic lantern” (a prototype of a slide projector). It projects drawings on glass onto a screen using lamps and lenses. Voices and sound effects are done live by performers using amplification magic.

It’s a fairly expensive form of entertainment, but most movies include 3D scenes using projection magic, making them very immersive and popular.

Sounds awesome.

“Dairi, you don’t like crowds, right? If you mention my or the Blue Witch’s name, they’ll probably give you a private screening. Let me know if you want to see something…”

“Much appreciated.”

Since I don’t handle crowds well, theme parks and monster zoos (similar to old-era zoos) are off the table.

So we head out of Okutama, stroll around Ome, grab lunch when we’re hungry, and spend the afternoon at an event or something before parting in the evening.

We started to settle on this as a good direction for the date plan.

The Spider Witch is seriously dependable. If I’d done this solo, I would’ve crafted a date plan that flew 150% off-course.

When I said I wanted to carefully choose the walking route, the Spider Witch gladly carried me on her back and took me to Ome City.

Ome City felt like a textbook example of the remnants of a previous civilization. It was a dense, overgrown forest, yet you could spot the remains of fences and utility poles between the roots of trees and fallen logs. Whenever I thought, “This area looks like a hill,” it usually turned out to be the collapsed remains of an apartment building or department store.

While most of Ome City had returned to nature, the area along the old Ome Line still had roads that were somewhere between highways and animal trails, and the riverside along the Tama River was relatively open. Our walking route came down to two options.

First, we tried walking along the riverside of the Tama River, which had a nice view.

Compared to Okutama, the river stones here were finer and more like gravel, making it easier to walk on. With the good visibility came a nice breeze, and the air felt fresh. Small flowers like nobiru and murasaki no mai were blooming on the embankments, giving a sense of the season. Since the mist of confusion wasn’t present along the Tama River south of Ome, the sunlight streamed down abundantly, and the wildflowers all looked lively.

Hmm, not bad at all.

We decided to make the riverside route our top candidate and scout out the other routes as well—when I spotted something strange.

In the river in Okutama, there was a strange creature.

It looked like a kappa, clutching a massive monster fish with both its arms and legs, flailing and bouncing on the river surface.

Wait, a kappa? Seriously?

Well, it was probably a monster that just looked like a kappa, not an actual one.

…Or was it? Was it really a kappa? Do kappas really exist!?

“Miss Spider, can you see that? Over there, near that sandbar—doesn’t that look like a kappa?”

“Kappa…? Oh, that’s Mr. Mamono-kun…”

“Mamono-kun-san!?”

Startled by my shocked voice, the creature called Mamono-kun lost its grip and let the giant fish escape. It slumped for a moment, then began striding toward us.

As it got closer, I realized it wasn’t a kappa.

It was a person in a kappa costume—wearing a swimsuit underneath.

But was it really a human? There was clearly a seam around the neck, so it must’ve been a costume, but the quality was so good that it was indistinguishable from the real thing.

It was a masterfully crafted and perfectly fitting costume. It must have been made by a renowned artisan…!

“Who are you!? You’re no ordinary person! State your name!”

When I demanded an introduction, the kappa-man in the bizarre outfit replied in a completely normal adult male voice.

“Oh, hello. My name is Mamono-kun.”

“Mamono-kun… is that your real name?”

“It’s a soul name. This is our first time meeting, right? I’m Mamono-kun, Vice President of the Japan Monster Study Society. Please, feel free to just call me ‘Mamono-kun.’

“By the way, Madam Spider Witch, it’s been a while. It must be fate that we’ve met here. I’d love to ask you to reconsider the monster survey in Okutama.”

This suspicious kappa-man introduced himself in a way that made it impossible to tell if he was shady or legitimate, and then casually started talking with the Spider Witch.

What is with this kappa!? That explanation wasn’t nearly enough for me to wrap my head around what’s going on!

Please, someone give me a little more context!

Previous chapter | TOC | Next chapter