Chapter 36: I’d Rather You Just Kill Me
Even in stories where the protagonist is nothing more than an utterly ordinary high school student you could find absolutely anywhere, those stories still tended to split into two broad categories.
Namely: battle stories, and stories that weren’t battle stories.
Now, I’m using the term battle in a fairly broad sense here, but at its core, it simply referred to works where there existed some kind of enemy or opposing force, and the narrative revolved around confronting and overcoming them.
More often than not, these were the stories where the perfectly average high school protagonist was suddenly dragged into a world beyond their understanding without warning.
And looking at things overall, there were a lot of works like that.
Sacred Corpse Chromaconia, the series Meiko first introduced to me, probably belonged to that lineage as well.
Then what about stories that weren’t battle stories?
Romantic comedies. Mysteries. Youth dramas. Strange-clubroom stories. Sports series. Horror. Occult tales. Slightly mysterious sci-fi. Slice-of-life works.
Some were set in worlds that stayed as close to reality as possible, while others occasionally took place in fantasy realms or alternate worlds. But regardless of the setting, these stories generally centered around what you might call “life-sized narratives.”
Stories about ordinary people living ordinary lives.
Those kinds of works leaned far more heavily in that direction.
The structure where an average, everyday high school student remained fundamentally ordinary while gradually learning about unfamiliar worlds—that pattern was comparatively common.
That said, just because something wasn’t a battle story didn’t mean it lacked conflict.
Sports stories in particular often revolved around facing powerful rival schools, and even in works without a direct antagonist, there were usually still obstacles that had to be overcome.
Emotional growth.
Overcoming trauma.
Self-acceptance.
Surviving monsters.
Solving problems.
Protecting one’s everyday life from external pressures.
And so on.
I couldn’t even count how many times I’d seen the classic development where some weak, insignificant school club was suddenly threatened with dissolution by a ridiculously overpowered student council abusing its authority.
Incidentally, back in high school, I myself had wielded authority not unlike those kinds of student councils.
But that wasn’t important right now.
The point was this:
Within an ordinary school life you could find anywhere, it was perfectly commonplace for there to be some sort of “wall event” standing in the protagonists’ way, forcing them to rise up and confront it.
And if that was the case, then it naturally followed that I, an utterly ordinary university student, ought to do the same.
If the problem known as Inugashi’s sudden arrival had appeared—
Then it was only proper, only narratively correct, that an event would arise within our perfectly ordinary university lives for the sake of overcoming it.
“Sponsored by the Heidan University Planning and Event Management Club!
Which one is truly worthy of being Nekoyanagi Meiko’s childhood friend!?
We hereby declare the opening of the Childhood Friend Derby!!”
The event was being held in a reserved corner of one of Heidan University’s courtyards.
Apparently, outside of festival season, the Planning and Event Management Club had a tendency to sit around with far too much free time on their hands, so after a bit of persuasion on my part, they agreed to help organize it.
It was an open free-attendance event.
A simple tent.
A modest but surprisingly lively stage.
A few long folding tables set up with all the elegance of an emergency evacuation shelter.
Several seats reserved for the people involved.
Off to the side stood a tiny food-and-drink stall that looked almost apologetic in its existence. Temporary authorization had already been secured from the university administration.
And then there was the emcee from the planning club, speaking with absurdly crisp enthusiasm—
Alongside four dead-eyed young people:
Taketsuru.
Kuwajima.
Inugashi.
And Meiko.
With me mixed into the group, the event officially began.
The curious onlookers had started gathering one after another after school ended—our classes had only gone up to third period today—and the sudden appearance of this bizarre spectacle had drawn far more attention than expected.
To be honest, the audience turnout had been my biggest concern. We hadn’t had time to properly advertise.
But this wasn’t bad at all.
After all, no event was complete without hecklers and gawkers.
Come then, masses. I expected rich reactions from you all.
“Explain yourself, Kirishiro. Oi. Seriously.”
While I observed the growing crowd, my best friend Taketsuru spoke beside me in a voice heavy enough to sound almost dangerous.
Everyone except the announcer—and maybe Meiko—was staring directly at me.
Well, Meiko was looking too, but she didn’t need an explanation at this point.
“Taketsuru. You saw what happened earlier. Inugashi and I are both claiming to be Meiko’s ‘childhood friend.’ That alone would be one thing, but Inugashi is even insisting that I’m not one at all.”
“Well yeah. Obviously.”
“In that case, wouldn’t it be perfectly natural for us to hold an event and determine which of us is the genuine ‘childhood friend’?”
“It absolutely would not be natural! Normal people solve this kind of thing by talking it out!!!”
Well, Taketsuru did have a point.
A reasonable point, even.
Unfortunately, that point had already been blown away like dust in the wind.
“But Taketsuru, the talking stage—the negotiation and mutual agreement stage—already ended nearly a year ago. The one who shattered that agreement and came barging in afterward was Inugashi. We’re already past the point of settling things peacefully.”
“When you put it like that… yeah, kinda.”
“And if mutual agreement can no longer resolve it, then the only option left is to determine objectively, before the eyes of the public, which one of us is correct.”
“Why are you treating this like, ‘Well, settlement negotiations failed, guess we’re going to trial,’ and then somehow organizing an incomprehensible public event in a single day!?”
Calling it incomprehensible was rather offensive.
Anyone could understand it at a glance.
That said… I did have thoughts about the “single day” part.
“What you’re saying is fair, Taketsuru. Ideally, I would’ve preferred more time for preparation and promotion myself. But you, Kuwajima, and Inugashi escalated the atmosphere so quickly that I decided it’d be best not to let the momentum fade.”
“Excuse me!? Could you not smoothly shift all the blame onto us like that!?”
Kuwajima protested with genuine disbelief.
Though, to be fair, the original trigger for all this had technically been her.
“You’re right, Kuwajima. Honestly, I’ve reflected on this somewhat.”
“Reflection? That’s a shocking word to hear coming from you, Kirishiro-kun.”
“When solving your issue, what I truly should’ve done was avoid relying on the Holy Sword and instead create a larger stage where you could be worshipped before an even greater audience. I should’ve elevated you into an object of idolization before the entire university. Had I done that, you likely would’ve found true satisfaction. Unfortunately, at the time, I lacked the connections necessary to prepare such a venue. But I learned from that failure. Since then, I’ve steadily built my network and event-management capabilities so I could properly arrange occasions like this.”
“I’m REALLY glad you didn’t have the ability to do that!!!”
For someone supposedly accepting my heartfelt apology, Kuwajima’s response seemed strangely emotional.
Still, if another opportunity arose someday, I’d gladly place her atop a stage like an idol.
I hoped she looked forward to it.
“…So why does Nekoyanagi-san look completely dead inside?”
Once Taketsuru had more or less accepted the situation, he glanced toward Meiko and asked the obvious question.
I gave him the simplest explanation possible.
“She spent the entire day running around helping organize this event in my place. She’s probably just tired.”
“So basically… Meiko-san got worked to the bone by you in order to organize a bizarre event whose purpose is deciding who gets to be her own childhood friend…? She organized the event that’s actively ruining her life… herself…?”
“Nekoyanagi-san!! I’m telling you, people with strong decisiveness and initiative should NOT be educated with textbook light novels!!! This is what happens!!! They start causing actual light-novel events in real life!!! Reality turns into a light novel!!!”
Meiko merely gave an exhausted, ambiguous smile and raised a weak thumbs-up.
Mm. Despite the limited time, she’d done excellent work.
I handled whatever I personally could, but physical labor was more her field than mine.
I would praise her accordingly.
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『Operation in Progress』
Completion Rate: 97%
Nekoyanagi Meiko’s Cold Sweat Level:
Please just kill me already.
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To describe the sense of accomplishment after successfully completing a task as “Please kill me”—
Meiko truly possessed a fascinating sensibility.
“Now then. As I mentioned earlier, Taketsuru and Kuwajima, I’d like the two of you to serve as moderators.”
“Hold on a second. Then what exactly is the deal with that guy over there aggressively gathering an audience with microphone performance skills like a professional hype man? Isn’t he the moderator?”
Taketsuru looked toward the man from the Planning and Event Management Club who had loudly declared the opening of the Childhood Friend Derby.
Even now, the man continued energetically advertising the event, and a significant portion of the growing crowd was undoubtedly thanks to his efforts.
“That’s Barasaka-san from the Planning and Event Management Club. His specialty is live commentary. He’s excellent at energizing a crowd, but apparently terrible at pacing and actual event management. Which is why I’d like the two of you to handle the moderation instead. No matter how hopeless the situation becomes, you can stay calm and keep things moving. Especially you, Taketsuru.”
“Can life experience really come back to stab someone this hard?”
“My mother also advised me to rely on my ‘best friend,’ so I hope you’ll cooperate.”
“Your mom absolutely did NOT mean it like that!”
Even while complaining, Taketsuru never outright refused.
At the very least, there probably wasn’t anyone else at Heidan University better suited for handling live chaos or functioning under catastrophic circumstances.
This guy had literally survived life-or-death battles before.
As for Kuwajima… I’d been uncertain.
But at some point she had already wrapped a black bandage around her right arm.
Honestly, you really did transform into Lady Three-Thousand-Three-Hundred-Thirty-In Goethe Schwarz-sama remarkably quickly.
Though Lady Three-Thousand-Three-Hundred-Thirty-In Goethe Schwarz-sama was not supposed to be a shield for escapism.
“Now then, Inugashi.”
“…What?”
Once I’d secured the general consensus of my friends and Meiko, I turned toward Inugashi, who had been standing off to the side looking strangely isolated and uncertain.
The overwhelming aggression he’d shown during our first meeting had vanished entirely.
At this point, he resembled a tiny chihuahua whose fangs had been completely removed.
Still, I deliberately provoked him.
“I don’t particularly care if you lack motivation. But if that’s the attitude you’re bringing, then I suppose Meiko’s ‘childhood friend’ title belongs to me by default.”
“Wha—!?”
Fighting spirit returned instantly to Inugashi’s eyes.
Yes.
That was better.
I was nothing more than an utterly ordinary university student.
But lately, I’d begun to feel that even this ordinary life of mine required one of these “events where something must be overcome.”
The assignment my mother had imposed as a midterm examination.
And Inugashi’s sudden appearance.
The timing was extraordinarily convenient.
This world truly revolved around turning me into a perfectly ordinary university student.
No—
Rather, it was my ordinary life itself that had painstakingly built a world where such normalcy could exist.
Inugashi’s existence was merely a rite of passage necessary for making me even more ordinary.
And if that was the case, then there was no way the enemy I was meant to overcome could be allowed to remain spineless.
“We’re settling this, aren’t we? Determining who the true ‘childhood friend’ is. Then stand up. Fair and square, let’s decide this properly. Which one of us is truly worthy of being Meiko’s ‘childhood friend’?”
“Hmph… Fine by me! I’ll show you the power of the bond shared by real childhood friends!!”
Yes.
That was exactly how it should be.
Today, I would defeat him and firmly establish my position as Meiko’s rightful ‘childhood friend.’
Let’s do this, Meiko!!
“So then, Nekoyanagi-san. Your two childhood friends are about to battle in order to determine who your true childhood friend really is. How do you feel right now?”
“…Honestly? I kind of want to go back to who I was a year ago, before I learned any of this. Back to those ordinary, uneventful days of youth. Now they seem unbearably precious.”
“Thank you very much!!”
To start reminiscing at a moment like this—
Meiko’s enthusiasm seemed more than sufficient.
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In the ordinary daily lives of perfectly average high school protagonists you could find anywhere, mysterious events with completely unknown funding sources occasionally appeared out of nowhere.
In other words, this was an entirely normal response.
Incidentally, the budget for this event was routed through the Nekoyanagi family, passed on to the Kirishiro main house, and ultimately added directly to the protagonist’s debt.