Chapter 101: S-So You Found Ussh Out, Ehehehe
“Objection!!”
Surprisingly, Kuwajima was the first one to move in this situation.
Well, I had no idea what she hoped to accomplish by moving, but she evidently had some objection, so I decided to hear her out.
“What is it, Kuwajima?”
“Based on the totality of the circumstantial evidence, I contend that what you just said, Kirishiro-kun, is not true!”
“…Why?”
“That doesn’t matter right now!”
Of course it mattered. What possible tactical advantage did she gain by objecting here?
Still, we had just tied her up alongside the ninjas without particularly asking for her opinion, so perhaps I could let her do as she pleased for a little while.
Besides, Kuwajima interfering in the matter of Meiko’s relationship with me was, if anything, the expected development.
In frequently recurring textbook examples—light novels—it was customary for the uninformed party to say something like this.
Even outside the textbooks, it was only natural for the people around us to be thrown into confusion by the sudden revelation of a “romantic relationship” or “engagement.”
Whether this branched into the “successfully bluff our way through” route or the “give up and explain everything” route depended on the skill of the two debaters.
Kuwajima felt somewhat underqualified as an opponent, but as an “ordinary college student you could find anywhere,” I would humor her.
And so, ignoring Meiko, who had done nothing but open and close her mouth for some time, and the ninja father and daughter, who still had no idea what had begun, Kuwajima launched into her argument.
“According to my deductions, the claim that Kirishiro-kun and Meiko-san are either ‘lovers’ or ‘engaged’ is completely groundless.”
Kuwajima’s eyes brimmed with confidence.
Beside her, Kikkōryū Junna was saying, “Wait, are they ‘lovers’ or ‘engaged’? Why haven’t they settled which? What the heck is going on?” but that was irrelevant for now.
Situations where something was one of two things but which one remained undetermined appeared often enough in logic and philosophy. No problem.
“And on what basis do you call it groundless, Kuwajima? You know I’m fundamentally a man who doesn’t lie. Wouldn’t it be more natural to conclude that my statement is true?”
I returned a light jab.
If she couldn’t answer even that much, talking her around would be far too easy.
Let me see which way you intend to proceed.
“Admittedly, if the actor in question were ‘Kirishiro Gouto,’ that argument would have some merit. However, I point out that an exception exists!”
“And what exception is that?”
“When Kirishiro-kun is trying almost ostentatiously to act like ‘an ordinary college student you could find anywhere’! In everyday life, there are times when you ‘play an ordinary college student’ because you think, ‘I would do this, but an ordinary college student would do that.’ In those cases, your words and actions belong to the category of ‘ordinary acting,’ not ‘lies or truth,’ so you wouldn’t count yourself as having lied! Just as an actor isn’t held responsible for everything the character he portrays says!”
“Oh?”
What had gotten into you, Kuwajima? That was unusually perceptive.
It was true that I drew such a distinction.
I ordinarily placed my convictions first, but in college life I sometimes acted against them in order to be “an ordinary college student you could find anywhere.”
To complete the task assigned to me by the Kirishiro family, I sometimes had to be ordinary even at the cost of discarding myself.
Such were the hardships of an ordinary college student.
But her observation alone was incomplete.
“I see. Admittedly, as an ordinary college student, I can’t deny the possibility that I might lie within the scope of ordinary behavior. Even if that premise is true, however, it proves only that I ‘might lie,’ not that I ‘am lying.’ How do you answer that?”
“Uh, um, how… would I answer? Ehehe.”
“…………What?”
“Urk…”
…Hey, Kuwajima.
After declaring all that with such confidence, don’t tell me you hadn’t thought any further.
If so, I would simply talk you around as a matter of course, appropriately process the information of the ninja father and daughter listening uselessly beside us, and be done with it.
As I stared at her through half-lidded eyes, Kuwajima began flustering around to no useful purpose, sent her gaze wandering everywhere, and then—
She fixed on Meiko, who still hadn’t returned from her confusion and was muttering faintly, “E-Ehehe, I’m… his girlfriend… ehehe.”
At the sight, Kuwajima’s face lit with realization, and she launched another confident offensive.
“That’s it! To live an ordinary college life found anywhere, Kirishiro-kun has defined his relationships to an extent that can only be called abnormal! And since Kirishiro-kun still hasn’t become remotely normal, there’s no way he would permit a change in relationship that deviated from those roles! Because Kirishiro-kun is still a freak! Therefore, there’s no way he would deviate from ‘ordinary’ and acquire a ‘girlfriend’ or ‘fiancée’!!”
“Who are you calling a freak?”
Even conceding for the sake of argument that I had not yet become an ordinary college student found anywhere, I did not deserve to be called a freak by a woman who had been afflicted with the Curse of Chuunibyou.
If I said so myself, I thought I was fairly ordinary among college students.
And you two Kikkōryū ninjas: I can see you nodding vigorously at my being called a freak. Do you want your information processed?
“…Fine. Even if we concede for the sake of argument that I’m a freak, what if I had undergone a change of heart, our relationship had changed, and I simply happened not to tell you? Your logic would collapse at the foundation. What then?”
“H-Huh? That could absolutely never happen, though…?”
“If it were me, hiding such a situation well enough that you didn’t notice would be child’s play.”
“Urk, that’s true, b-but… I’m definitely right… because there’s no way Kirishiro-kun would get a girlfriend… It’s definitely a lie.”
Enough, Kuwajima. We weren’t fighting a turn-based battle.
At least devise some plan for breaking down my argument before challenging me.
I could even press my attack while you were thinking, you know.
Just as I began the countdown to Kuwajima’s destruction in my mind, she once again looked at Meiko, who was still lost in confusion and mumbling, “Fiancée… fee-on-say… K-Kirishiro Meiko… ehehe,” and had another flash of inspiration.
Then she declared, as if delivering a one-hit kill:
“Even if you entered such a relationship and Kirishiro-kun acted exactly as usual, you would absolutely be found out!!”
“…And why is that?”
“Because even if Kirishiro-kun didn’t give it away, Meiko-san absolutely would!! Meiko-san is such a hopeless romantic that a hundred people out of a hundred could see through her—she turns into this much of a puddle over an obviously fake, textbook rom-com pseudo-confession! If you two really were in that kind of relationship, there’s no way she could hide it! If you claim she could, then let Puddle Meiko offer the defense!!”
“Ghk.”
For the first time, Kuwajima had struck a painful spot.
To counter this, the rebuttal had to come not from me but from Meiko.
This was presumably a variant of the trial found in countless textbooks: “You two don’t look like lovers at all, so could you show us proof?”
The trial in which two people, awkward because they were only pretending to date, were ordered to provide proof of their relationship through “kissing,” “flirting,” or the like—something which, to put it mildly, could only be called a disregard for human rights.
Common sense said they had not the slightest obligation to display such things even before family, and could likely win a respectable case against their family in the proper venue, yet being asked triggered a compulsory event forcing them to comply.
If proof were actually required, would it not be far more rational to isolate the two separately so they couldn’t coordinate stories, have each submit the circumstantial evidence or contractual details establishing that they were lovers or engaged, then compare them for inconsistencies?
When I had previously said that to Meiko, she had shut me down with, “That’s normal in rom-coms. This isn’t a detective show.”
In this case, however, we were instead being told, “If you’ve been hiding your relationship, show us how you normally act.”
Hence, it was a variant of the prove-your-relationship event.
…You can do this, Meiko. You’re the greatest genius in the history of the Nekoyanagi family—a ninja considerably farther along the gradient than an ordinary person.
Despite that, in everyday life you blend perfectly among ordinary people.
You keep women from resenting you, maintain an appropriate distance from men, and establish the right distance with everyone. You should be a model ordinary person.
You should have recovered from the confusion by now and be able to display a perfectly ordinary attitude!
“H-Huhhh? F-Fwehehe, n-no, uhee. It wasn’t a lieee, we were jusht hiding it. A defense? N-No way, Gouto-kun, s-so you found ussh out, ehehehe.”
“I concede, Kuwajima… It was all a lie…”
“What a hollow victory…”
“H-Huh?”
Meiko.
What had happened to all the precise advice worthy of a rom-com master you’d given until now?
Was this deliberate seasoning? Did you judge that it would be a problem if the “childhood friend” of “an ordinary college student found anywhere” were too perfect, so you intentionally made her useless only where romance was concerned?
…Under ordinary reasoning, it could only look like Meiko ordinarily liked me and therefore became useless when an unexpected situation presented itself.
But given Meiko’s overwhelming insight, there had to be some grand purpose behind this behavior too.
There had to be. Right, Meiko?
“…Oh, a lie… R-Right… hehe… Well, I knew that… ehehe… Kikkōryū…! I’ll never forgive you!!”
Meiko’s fighting spirit against Kikkōryū rose.
…This occurred to me:
Were modern ninjas fundamentally designed to be useless at romance?
“Kuwajima. From now on, whenever I see someone utterly useless at romance, I’m going to assume they’re a ninja whose harsh training made them bad at love.”
“Please don’t invent a new theory that’s hard to deny… So far the sample is one hundred percent.”
Beside us, Kikkōryū Junna weakly protested, “W-Who are you calling useless at romance?!” while her father watched her with a warmly resigned gaze.
──────
It was just like a rom-com novel.
Hopeless at romance = Inugashi Kaito = Kikkōryū Junna = Nekoyanagi Meiko = ninja
Q.E.D.
──────
“Modern Ninja”
Combat ability: A graded category
Acting ability: A graded category
Romantic ability: Well, if they have the first two…
──────